I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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