dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
