Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
