We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
