Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
