So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
