I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
