Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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