How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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