I didn't shave. On purpose
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
