yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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