a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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