Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
