Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
