when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
