My hand turned me down
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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