I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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