why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
