I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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