I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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