...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
