Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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