I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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