Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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