I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
