Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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