I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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