4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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