I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
