There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
