Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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