if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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