Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
