I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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