she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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