the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
