I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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