"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
