If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize