dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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