i need an iv and a liver transplant
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
What drink are we having for lunch?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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