someone threw a dead crab at me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
