Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
