Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
