went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
third nipple confirmed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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