my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
