officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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