Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
