my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
