Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
