I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
