next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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