I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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