Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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