Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
