I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
