I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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