I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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