I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
