Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
