1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
