WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
