Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
