Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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