We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
